I haven't posted a blog in over a two and half years, but today I find myself sitting in the critical care next to my grandma Darkey with the unknowing feeling if she is "coming or going". This isn't the first time I have sat in this hospital by her bedside, because she was in this same place just 10 months ago. However, just like last time, I have no clue if this will be the last time I see her on this earth or not.
To add a cherry on top of this pretty sad sundae, as I found myself driving to Michigan today, I remembered that I made this same drive to Michigan exactly 3 year ago today to start planning my dad's funeral. Needless to say, mid-October is always going to be a hard me (and my family).
I know my dad's passing has been very hard on my grandma, because as a parent you never want to bury your own children. This sadness is just compounded on not having my grandpa around. Even though it's been over 17 years since my grandpa passed away, grandma has told me on a number occasions how much she misses "dad". I guess referring to my grandpa as "dad" when talking to her kids for all those years just made the name stuck.
Even though I know my grandma always thinks she not "doing enough" for us, that can't be the further from the truth. Even though I live two states away, she still finds ways to spoil my kids with new clothes or toys very often. In return, I try my best to make her day by posting a photo or video of the boys to Facebook, or making sure I call her at least once a week.
When talking about someone you love, it can sometimes be hard to part it into words the impact that they have made on your life- and when it comes to my grandma that rings very true. However, when the day comes that she gets to join my dad and grandpa in the afterlife, she will always live on in my life in a few special ways:
1. Our Engagement Ring.
As a young girl, I always thought her diamond was always so beautiful and I would often "ooh and aah" over it. I can't remember my exact age but many years before I got married, she told me that I could have her diamond because "I'm not going to be buried with it just to have someone dig me up to take it". So with that, comes another great story, of when Sam was trying to be sneaky and ask for the ring so he could propose to me but that went to hell when my grandma call me and ask "I saw I had a missed call from Sam, do you know what he wanted?". A few weeks later when I took a trip to Michigan with my sister, at lunch grandma handed both Karen and I graduation cards and then she hands me a pill bottle with my engagement ring in it and says "and this is for Sam".
2. Joseph Patrick
Since my last blog post, a lot has changed, including baby #2- Joseph Patrick. Being that we are big into naming our kids after people- Joseph Patrick is named after Sam's bother Joe (who was named after Sam's dad's Uncle Joe); and Patrick comes from a combination of my grandma who always goes by Pat (or Patty) and my dad who always went by Rick. I think grandma gets a kick out of having Joey named after her, and she is the one of few people who sometimes calls him "JP".
Now that I have been here working on this post on and off for the past few hours, and I seeing my grandma so helpless breaks my heart. And I know that I when I go home, I'm going to hug my boys a little tighter tonight because - well I can! Enjoy the time you get with your loved ones because time is one of the few things you can't buy more of.
Update: November 18th-
This last month has been a long road for my grandma, but she is now home and seems to be doing ok. Its hard living so far away but I'm still trying to make the effort to keep on checking in on her and her progress.
Also, I debated if I was going to posted this post, but I think it's important (because my grandma is/ was one of my biggest fans of my blog) for her to know/ read how special of a person she really is in my life. These types of declarations are often said after the person is gone and it's too late, but being Thanksgiving is this week- I think this is a prefect time to say to the world how thankful I am to have my grandma in my life.
Grandma-
I love you so much! I love your sass, your kind heart, and your down to earth way about you. You underestimate your strength but you are one of the biggest strongest people I know. Also, even though I know you don't believe it, you have impacted so many peoples lives for the better. Many many people have said things or told me stories about how you helped them in one way or another. You are always giving to others but you always have a hard time getting/ taking- so I hope this "gift" is one that you can cherish this Thanksgiving (and forever).
And like I always make sure I say before I hang up on our phone calls- I love you!
Love ~Stacy
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